Cricket Walker

They say that God never closes a door, without opening another, but sometimes we are so busy looking at the closed door, that we forget to turn around and see the new direction in our lives.

Ya know what though? I wasn’t looking at the closed doors in my life. Heck, I slammed them shut myself, but I sure wasn’t looking for any new ones to open either. Life just has a way of working things out, even when we’re not paying attention, doesn’t it?

Fortunately, I felt the soft gentle breeze of a door opening slowly, one that I didn’t even know was there. I turned to see you standing there, waiting for me, and it just felt right.

Even as I walk toward that new door, I find myself looking back just long enough to make sure that I have kept all the promises I have made to myself.

I realize then that I have one last commitment that has not yet been completed, and I know that it is time to finish that task that I left undone, for another day, for a better time.

At some point in the coming days, I will be revisiting the hell of quitting smoking, no medications, no games, just putting down the smokes for the last time. I’m counting on your love sweetheart, to help me get past this, once and for all.

“It just is, remember?”

They say that if March that comes in like a lion, it will go out like a lamb. For me emotionally, it was April that came in like a lion to overwhelm me with some unexpected stress.

I am praying it will go out like a lamb.

A medical professional explained that someday I would feel almost completely overwhelmed and overcome with the need to smoke. And he explained that this feeling would be something that I would face not just once, but for many years, if not for the rest of my life.

Despite that warning, when it happened, I was totally shocked.

For some reason, at that very moment, when I didn’t see how I was going to make it even another five minutes, the thought of dealing with it long term was more than I could possibly handle.

I drove straight to the store and bought a pack of cigarettes.

Before I was halfway through the first cigarette, I hated my body for the instant feeling of relief. I felt like a druggie getting a long needed fix.

Looking back now, it isn’t hard to see where I failed.

I was not prepared with a specific plan of action for when I was faced with the inevitable stress that we all face now and then. And, instead of reaching out for help when I became overwhelmed with that stress, I closed myself completely off from others, believing that I was strong enough to deal with it alone.

I went off the meds sooner, and at a far faster rate than my doctor recommended because I thought I didn’t need them anymore. I know now that this was not likely one of my brighter moments.

If you have been taking two different meds that alter the dopamine levels in your brain to help compensate for the dopamine highs from smoking for more than 30 years, and then you suddenly stop, your body is going to rebel with a vengeance. Add all of that to some serious stress, and you have a perfect recipe for failure.

None of these reasons are an excuse though. The fact is that I failed. I lost this battle, but I refuse to believe that I have lost the war. Like it or not, I still have to quit smoking, but it isn’t going to be today, or even tomorrow.

In a few weeks, when I am done licking my wounds of screwing up royally, and dealing with the stress that overwhelmed me to begin with, I will start back over again, at the beginning.

Thanks For Being A Part Of My Life!
 

It has now been 28 days since I put down my last cigarette, and I can finally say it is truly starting to get substantially easier. The cravings are much more infrequent now, and are more easily controlled by redirecting my thoughts, or popping a lifesaver in my mouth.

Someone once told me that I need to spend twenty minutes, every morning, visualizing myself as a nonsmoker, but I respectfully disagree. I did all my visualizing BEFORE my official quit date. I no longer need to visualize myself as a nonsmoker, because I am a nonsmoker.

Don’t worry. I don’t think for a minute that this means I can ever let my guard down. I will always be addicted to nicotine. In the same way that a recovering alcoholic can never again pick up a drink, I know that I can never again have even one drag off of a cigarette.

With each passing day, I feel better. My energy has begun to return. I am ready to move forward to other challenges in my life that I would like to overcome, such as living a healthier lifestyle, from both a nutrition and a physical fitness standpoint.

Everywhere you look, you will find information supporting the fact that nicotine is out of your system about 3 days after your last cigarette. For some reason they associate that timeline with how long people will experience withdrawal symptoms after years of heavy smoking.

You will hear it over and over again, that if you can just make it through the first week or two, you have it made! I am convinced that this particular misinformation plays a major role in why so many people fail in their attempts to quit smoking.

The truth is that if you have been a heavy smoker over a long period of time, you might feel like crap when you first quit.

The problem is that very few people will warn you about this part. They are so busy talking about all of the wonderful things, that they don’t mention that you may experience sadness or depression, and have absolutely no energy. Activities as basic as getting off the couch may require an act of congress!

Your gums, tongue and throat may be extremely sore, and some folks will begin coughing more than ever. You may feel achy all over, as if you are coming down with something.

Although you will hear about people gaining a few pounds, how come no one talks about the never ending ravenous feeling of hunger that nothing seems to fill?

When the doctors mention that you may feel a bit airheaded for a few days, why don’t they come right out and tell you that you might feel so distracted for a few weeks that you may do stupid stuff, like sit at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green? Or, lose the truck at Wal-Mart because you can’t remember where you parked?

Did anyone bother telling you that you may react VERY differently to caffeine after you quit smoking? You may very well have been able to swim in pots of coffee any time of day or night before, and now all of the sudden, just thinking about coffee keeps you from sleeping at night, even though you spent the entire day barely able to keep your eyes open!

Guess what? Some of these things can last well beyond a few days.

If you are not prepared for this, it can be overwhelming. You may start to ask yourself if it is all worth it.

Here is the deal though, it doesn’t last forever.

You will start feeling better.

The alternative is that if you continue smoking, you won’t get better.

Do I want you to know all of this so you will get scared out of quitting? Heck no! I just firmly believe that if you know exactly what to expect, and for how long, you can prepare yourself to face and deal with everything, one step at a time.

I have now been 100% nicotine free for three weeks!

Wow! I have been 100% nicotine free for two weeks now. I have to admit though, it has been the longest two weeks in my entire life.

Strangely enough, the first few days were easier than the second week. I finally realized it was because the second week, although there were fewer cravings, they would catch me totally off guard, when I least expected it.

Thankfully though, I had prepared for those types of situations, and always had something nearby to get me past the roughest moments.

For me, this has been hard candy, especially Tootsie Pops and Charms Blow Pops. I can’t begin to tell you why, but for some reason I am totally hooked on the red ones.

I figure next week I will concern myself with the lollipop addiction. For right now though, the lollipops keep me sane! One of the major things that has kept me from even thinking about lighting up, is knowing that I never want to go through nicotine withdrawal again.

I have already experienced some changes in my daily life. One of those changes is the sudden, almost overwhelming, improvement to my sense of smell. My dogs have had several baths in the last few weeks!

The smell of cigarettes has become almost nauseating for me, especially when someone is talking to me who has just finished a cigarette. This actually surprised me a little, as I expected to feel cravings, but reality has been exactly the opposite.

I have not noticed a significant change in the taste of things, unless of course you count that I think that cherry lollipops are heaven on earth.

I realize that I have quite a ways to go yet, and that many people fail as soon as they think they have it beat. I will likely remain on the CHANTIX™ and WELLBUTRIN XL for at least 12 weeks.

Both medications can be taken for a second 12 weeks if needed. I have not experienced more than minimal side effects from either of these medications, and of course the biggest benefit for me was that neither involved nicotine replacement.

I may not be there yet, but I am well on my way…

I’m a bit anxious and more than a little irritable. I have had a pounding headache since about noon. The weirdest sensation is a feeling that I am forgetting something very important that I should be doing.

I have no interest in talking, and most noises bother me right now. I would love to be able to fall asleep and wake up in a few weeks, already past all of this.

After nearly 34 years smoking, there just aren’t too many activities that I don’t associate with smoking, so telling me to find different activities to distract me for the first few days is a bit pointless.

I associate everything with smoking.

I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that it is easier than I expected. It’s not. Every time I think it can’t get much worse, it does.

The most difficult moments are those when, without thinking, I reach for a cigarette, and suddenly realize that they are not there.

Whoever decided to describe the feeling during those moments as “urges” couldn’t possibly be a smoker. Urge, doesn’t come close to describing the feeling that comes in overwhelming waves periodically throughout the day.

Telling me to chew gum, suck on a lemon drop, or drink a glass of water until the moment passes feels a bit like handing a fireman a squirt gun to put out a fire.

It doesn’t matter though, because the decision has been made.

I will beat this addiction. I will succeed.

Part of my plan to quit smoking included scheduling an appointment with my doctor to discuss possible options that might help me get through the process without turning into the Wicked Witch of the South. The problem is, I am one of those people that simply cannot stand going to the doctor.

Actually I don’t much like visiting anyone with an evil grin on their face that seems to derive great pleasure from stabbing me in the butt with a needle big enough to take an elephant down.

To be fair to the medical community though, I admit that I don’t make a very good patient. By the time they get done dealing my crankiness, they probably truly enjoy the very thought of inflicting pain on me.

The words that he had to tell me today, stopped me dead in my tracks.

I was trying to get some relief from his nagging lecture by telling him that I truly did understand that this was probably my last chance to finally quit smoking. He explained to me that no, I didn’t seem to understand at all.

“This isn’t about being your last chance to quit smoking. This is your last chance to live. We are no longer just fighting the addiction. We are fighting for your life. If we don’t get a handle on this right now, you won’t be around next year, let alone long enough to see your daughter graduate.”

No matter how stubborn you are, those are words that will get your attention in a hurry. I was no exception. He had my full attention. Now it is all just a matter of setting the plan in motion so that I will be around long enough to drive y’all crazy! (grin)

In addition to multiple medications to fight the chronic infection in my lungs, this time I am armed with CHANTIX™ and WELLBUTRIN XL to help me beat my overwhelming addiction for nicotine.

Allowing time for the medication to build up in my system, leaves me with a quit smoking date of February 5th. The night of February 4th, I will lay down my cigarettes for the last time.

I have no doubt in my mind that I will succeed.

It has been nearly 34 years since I picked up my first cigarette in the sixth grade. I remember being intrigued by the television commercials aimed at women (You’ve Come a Long Way Baby) and I truly believed that it made me look sophisticated.

By the time I graduated from high school, I was smoking a full pack of cigarettes every day.

In my twenties I decided to quit smoking. It lasted about three days, before I went back to smoking more than I did to begin with. I loved smoking, but I detested being a smoker.

Throughout my thirties, I began having trouble with chronic bronchitis. The doctors warned me repeatedly that if I did not quit smoking, I would die of emphysema at a very young age. I went through two more attempts to beat this powerful addiction. I tried patches, and nicotine gum, and at times, both at the same time.

Again, I failed and my smoking only increased.

The guilt of failure was overwhelming. I was humiliated to admit that again I had failed. I would actually hide behind the dumpsters at work to sneak a cigarette, scared to death that someone would see me.

Even my daughter looking into my eyes and begging me to quit smoking did not give me the power to beat this horrible addiction.

I hated myself.

By the time I hit forty, I was a three pack a day smoker. I was so ashamed that I would not admit it to anyone, including my doctors. Through it all, I kept to the story that I smoked about a pack a day. Zyban did nothing to help me, except make me feel like crap.

About this time, with tears streaming down my face, I got down on my knees and literally begged God to give me the strength to overcome this. I could not understand how it was possible that I had overcome every challenge I had ever faced in my life, but I could not beat my addiction for nicotine.

I am now 45 years old and breathing has become a struggle. I smoke an average of four packs daily, even though I spend hours a day coughing. I know in my heart that this is my last chance to quit, or I will not live to see my daughter graduate from high school.

Why, after all these years am I now willing to admit my utter shame and tell this story publicly? Because I want to reach out to others that might be out there, just like me. I want to tell my story.

Plans change. Decisions don’t.

I have made the DECISION to quit smoking, no matter what it takes.

By making my decision and my story public, knowing that others may be reading who might be praying (like I was) for strength, maybe I can help them believe it can be done.

I am going to blog about my journey throughout this decision often. If it helps even one person out there, it will be worth it.

As I record my progress through every step of this process of to quit smoking, I hope that those of you with this same overwhelming desire to quit will share your progress with me also. Together, I firmly believe that we can do this.

For me the first step was making the decision to quit smoking. I truly believe that this will be different for all of us, but at some point, something will lead to that moment when you have simply had enough. For me, that decision began about a week ago.

I was taking my daughter to school when I began coughing very badly. The asthma attack lasted several minutes, which at the time felt like hours. When it was all over, my daughter looked up at me with fear in her eyes, and in a very quiet voice, asked me if it was time now. She was referring to quitting smoking. My heart was breaking, but it was the straw the finally broke the camel’s back.

“Yes Haley. It is time.”

Now that the DECISION had been made, it was time to figure out a plan and begin preparing to quit smoking.

When I returned home, I immediately began researching everything I could find. I was especially drawn to information concerning very heavy long term smokers and the power of the addiction. I spent long hours browsing through the forums so that I could read well beyond what the research had to say. I wanted to know what the smokers had to say. This time, I am going into this armed to do battle.

Backed with enough information to actively participate in developing a plan with my doctor, I scheduled the appointment. Once I have talked with the doctor tomorrow, I will write more about the plan I have selected for me personally.