Once a very long time ago, a lifetime ago, I wandered into a huge corn field. I am not sure what I was looking for, but I found myself walking deeper and deeper into the field, without conscience thought.
It wasn’t long before I found myself completely lost, disoriented, and afraid in the middle of the field. The sun was going down. Darkness was nearly upon me. I couldn’t see over the rows. There was no sense of beginning or end. I was certain that I would never find my way out.
At the very moment that I felt myself nearly overwhelmed with panic, I realized how foolish I was being. All I needed to do was walk straight ahead. The rows of corn stalks would guide me out.
I had no clue if it was going to take me a few minutes or a few hours, but it wasn’t important anymore. Eventually, in the full moon, I would be able to see clearly again, or at least enough to know where I was, enough to find my way back, back to where I belonged.
Over time, I finally came to find comfort in those fields.
When I needed peace, when I needed to belong, I searched for the fields. It did not matter if they were wide open fields of golden wheat, or fields filled with rolling hills of wildflowers. They all brought me tranquility, a secret moment of joy that I could claim as my very own.
Most of all, I dreamed of losing myself in the middle of a field of Texas Bluebonnets, perhaps because they represented home to me, the place where I was so very sure I could return to. Maybe I wanted to believe in fairy tales again. I don’t honestly know.
Then once again, the darkness found me . . .
Again, I found myself completely lost, disoriented, and afraid in the middle of the field. Confusion overwhelmed because I knew in my heart that I had already overcome this moment.
Why then was I so very lost?
I have since come to realize that the field is somewhere inside me. The bluebonnets are every time my kid smiles at me, or I hear her laughter.
It’s up to me to find that peace within me, no matter where I am.
That does not mean that I don’t hope to someday be able to live in the country again, because I do. I still dream of a little place somewhere up in the Hill Country with wide open fields, fields with no dark corners.
But to find joy, I need look no further than the silly antics of the child that has spent far too much time in drama class this last semester.
I only have to look at the child that has learned not only to tolerate the camera, but who has learned to love it, to ham it up and love life.
Why? Because when I look at the pure and natural beauty of her, I can be so very proud to know that I had a part in who she is today . . .
Who she is inside . . .
A blessing in my life .
I love you Haley Britton Walker, and I am so very proud to be your mama. You are so stunningly beautiful, inside and out.
Thank you for being my kid, for being who you are . . .
