Cricket’s Thoughts

You wake up thinking it is going to be a beautiful day because the roses that have been trying to die for months, finally decided to bloom.

You look up and notice a dark cloud looming in the horizon.

You know in your heart that a storm is beginning to brew, a storm that your family will never recover from.

Everything you have ever truly believed in is false.

Absolutely nothing is the way you thought it was.

Your confidence as a parent is shaken to the very core.

The man you would have died for is not the man you thought he was.

You discover that love is not unconditional, that it is possible for love to turn to utter hatred in a blink of an eye.

You feel yourself drowning in an angry sea of pain and sorrow.

This is one nightmare that you are not going to wake up from.

There aren’t going to be any rainbows.

In that moment you realize that life will never again be the same.

Breathe in, breathe out, repeat as needed to sustain life. Most of the time, this one will take care of itself.

If it is absolutely necessary to go somewhere, put your left foot in front of your right foot, then your right foot in front of your left.

Repeat as often as necessary, or until someone says you are there. When you arrive, you may need to ask someone why you are there, because you have likely forgotten. If they don’t know why, it probably wasn’t all that important.

Don’t bother making a list. You won’t be able to find it anyway. If you do find it, you won’t know what anything on it means.

Open mouth, chew, and swallow food occasionally. This may be especially important if it has been more than a few days.

Tasting the food, or remembering what you ate is not important, as long as you remember to feed the kids and the dog. Don’t worry. They will remind you.

If there are fires that are threatening to cause excessive damage, you may need to put them out. Start with the big ones first. Some of them can be left to burn themselves out. Occasionally asking a friend to put the dang things out is okay.

That funny ringing you keep hearing is the phone. Don’t throw it in the garbage. You may want it again some day. Just ignore it. Voice mail will pick it up eventually.

Don’t look at the tequila bottle. If you have one shot, you will want the entire bottle, which won’t be the smartest thing you have ever done if you have forgotten to open your mouth, chew, and swallow food occasionally. It won’t help you sleep. It will just make you sick.

If you smell something funny, it might be you. Consider taking a shower and brushing your teeth. If that takes too much energy, let the dogs up on your lap. They will lick the tears from your face and give you a little sponge bath.

When all of the above things fail to get you through the day, tell God you are weary, and let him take the wheel for a bit.

They say that if March that comes in like a lion, it will go out like a lamb. For me emotionally, it was April that came in like a lion to overwhelm me with some unexpected stress.

I am praying it will go out like a lamb.

A medical professional explained that someday I would feel almost completely overwhelmed and overcome with the need to smoke. And he explained that this feeling would be something that I would face not just once, but for many years, if not for the rest of my life.

Despite that warning, when it happened, I was totally shocked.

For some reason, at that very moment, when I didn’t see how I was going to make it even another five minutes, the thought of dealing with it long term was more than I could possibly handle.

I drove straight to the store and bought a pack of cigarettes.

Before I was halfway through the first cigarette, I hated my body for the instant feeling of relief. I felt like a druggie getting a long needed fix.

Looking back now, it isn’t hard to see where I failed.

I was not prepared with a specific plan of action for when I was faced with the inevitable stress that we all face now and then. And, instead of reaching out for help when I became overwhelmed with that stress, I closed myself completely off from others, believing that I was strong enough to deal with it alone.

I went off the meds sooner, and at a far faster rate than my doctor recommended because I thought I didn’t need them anymore. I know now that this was not likely one of my brighter moments.

If you have been taking two different meds that alter the dopamine levels in your brain to help compensate for the dopamine highs from smoking for more than 30 years, and then you suddenly stop, your body is going to rebel with a vengeance. Add all of that to some serious stress, and you have a perfect recipe for failure.

None of these reasons are an excuse though. The fact is that I failed. I lost this battle, but I refuse to believe that I have lost the war. Like it or not, I still have to quit smoking, but it isn’t going to be today, or even tomorrow.

In a few weeks, when I am done licking my wounds of screwing up royally, and dealing with the stress that overwhelmed me to begin with, I will start back over again, at the beginning.

Thanks For Being A Part Of My Life!
 

They just have this way of loving unconditionally. When I walk in the door, they greet me as if I have been gone forever, even if it has only been 30 minutes. How could anyone possibly resist that?

Even though physically the puppies are all grown up now, they still play and act like puppies. They are just a whole lot bigger now! There is no way anyone could manage to keep from smiling while watching these two play and raise heck with each other. It is just plain funny to see the expressions they make.

Since it has been quite some time since I have posted new pictures of them, I figured it is about time that I show you some new ones of Jack and Lady Katherine All Grown Up.

See Pictures of Jack and Lady Katherine All Grown Up!

Thanks For Being A Part Of My Life!

It has now been 28 days since I put down my last cigarette, and I can finally say it is truly starting to get substantially easier. The cravings are much more infrequent now, and are more easily controlled by redirecting my thoughts, or popping a lifesaver in my mouth.

Someone once told me that I need to spend twenty minutes, every morning, visualizing myself as a nonsmoker, but I respectfully disagree. I did all my visualizing BEFORE my official quit date. I no longer need to visualize myself as a nonsmoker, because I am a nonsmoker.

Don’t worry. I don’t think for a minute that this means I can ever let my guard down. I will always be addicted to nicotine. In the same way that a recovering alcoholic can never again pick up a drink, I know that I can never again have even one drag off of a cigarette.

With each passing day, I feel better. My energy has begun to return. I am ready to move forward to other challenges in my life that I would like to overcome, such as living a healthier lifestyle, from both a nutrition and a physical fitness standpoint.