Cricket Walker

Watching the sun go down on fairy tale dreams,
the warm breeze caressing my face and drying my tears,
bringing blessed acceptance and closure to what is,
and what is not to be . . .

Walking through the neighborhood
Seeing the homes with well kept yards
Dogs barking, children playing and laughing
Curiously detached yet hearing people talking
Staring at the couples holding hands
Witnessing all this without emotion
For you are not part of it, you are alone,
watching the world, from the outside in

Welcoming the numbness for now
You begin to run, blurring away their faces
Focus on the sound, just the sound
The sound of your feet hitting the sidewalk
Breathe in, breathe out
Listen to your heart pounding
Don’t think, just keep running
Keep running til it all goes away

Lungs heaving, you dare not stop
You dare not allow the feelings to come
For this time they will utterly destroy you

Raising your face to the sky, begging for peace
Gently the breeze reaches out and caresses your face
Tearing away the only thread left holding you together
For the breeze carries thoughts, feeling, and passion.

The tears come slowly at first
Building to gut wrenching sobs
Your mind screaming at your foolish dreams
Berating you for putting your heart out there
You knew better than to hope
To hope for even a moment . . .

For you are not part of it, you are alone,
watching the world, from the outside in.

Life isn’t about someday or yesterday. It isn’t about what could have been or what may someday be. It’s about today, right now, this very moment. It’s about falling in love with the world around us every day. For me, it’s about the way I see the world through my eyes . . .

As I watch this little guy flirting with me through the open sliding glass door, I can’t help but smile. I often feel as if he were sent to me as a special gift, something to make me stop what I am doing several times a day and just enjoy the moment.

When I take out my camera and see scenes like this one through my lens, the world goes silent around me. I no longer hear the distant sirens, heavy traffic, and Air Force jets over head. It’s as if someone took the sunshine from the sky and painted this beautiful mural for me.

When this stunning Northern Cardinal comes for a visit, he always catches my attention. He is a little bit camera shy though, and he has a habit of closing his eyes the very moment I take his picture.

How can I possibly spend even one second complaining about the rain when it leaves incredible shots like this for me? The tiny drops of rain gleaming on the petals sparkled like diamonds in the afternoon sunlight after the storm. I wish I could have captured it in this picture for you, but I did capture the memory in my heart.

My favorite White-winged Dove followed me on my excursion today. I have a feeling she just wanted to make sure I returned to the balcony to put fresh food out for her.

Some people see weeds when the dandelions begin to bloom.

I see summer.

It isn’t often that I get involved in the political discussions within the online community that I run. Today though, one of the conversations set off a strong feeling of anger inside of me. It took everything I had not to ask people what in the hell was wrong with them.

They were ranting about homeless people, telling the stories we have all heard before, about some homeless guy scamming them out of a few bucks and how the homeless don’t really want to work.

I finally responded, but with my heart, not anger . . .

———————————

It was a stunningly beautiful morning in downtown San Antonio, the kind of day that hopes and dreams seem to be within reach and life just feels good.

Casually strolling through the park, drinking my coffee, and waiting for the stores to begin opening, I passed by a lady sitting on a bench without much thought.

Her belongings surrounding her, likely all she had left in the world.

I think maybe homeless people have become nearly invisible to many. I think they had become so to me. I had simply stopped seeing them.

Something made me look back . . .

The look in her eyes nearly dropped me to my knees, the look of utter despair. She wasn’t looking at anyone; she was not asking for help. It was clear that she had simply given up.

She did not have a single hope left . . .

As I continued to walk, her face haunted my thoughts.

There but for the grace of God go I . . .

I had turned around and walked back to her before realizing I had taken a single step. I handed her a few bills, telling her I knew it wasn’t much, but maybe it would help today.

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and thanked me quietly.

I have looked for her several times since, wondering what happened to her, if she found hope, where she has gone.

Don’t tell me the stories of the panhandlers refusing to work.

Don’t tell me about the guy you gave twenty bucks to and he walked into a bar and drank it up. I don’t want to hear it. I truly don’t care because I believe they are the exception.

The fact is, there are people out there just like you and I, but for whatever reason they lost hope. Women, children and families struggling just to find a place that will allow them to use a restroom today, and we just look away . . .

I don’t claim to know the answer, but I do know this . . .

There but for the grace of God go I.

———————————

A few minutes later, I followed up with this response to the conversation . . .

———————————

For what it is worth, San Antonio is taking a stand to make a difference in our community. The place is appropriately called “Haven For Hope”. They will be going beyond providing a safe place to sleep. They will be transitioning people back to independence. It will be open by fall.

Treating the root causes of homelessness with a wide array of social services in a single and central location resulted in a 60% success rate (defined as a year of totally self-sufficient living). Campuses in San Diego, Miami, Phoenix and St. Louis were among some of the operations reviewed and analyzed to develop a set of operational best practices. Critical campus services include education, job training, day care, substance abuse treatment, medical care, identification recovery, case management, animal care services, hygiene, etc. www.havenforhope.org

I have been wanting to visit the Bussey’s Flea Market in Schertz, (about a 15 minute drive from here) for quite some time now.

It was a conflicting desire for me. Although I knew I desperately wanted to explore all the treasures there, I also know I am not a fan of large, noisy crowds of people.

This time my desire to explore won the battle.

Initially, it was no surprise that I found myself a bit irritated when even parking was a major event, let alone actually making it to the area where all the booths are. The flea market itself is absolutely HUGE! We wandered aimlessly for a bit.

I bought some bath salts that caught my eye, but was still thinking that this place was way more trouble than it was worth.

I stayed and kept my thoughts to myself though, knowing it was not a huge sacrifice for me to make when Haley and her boyfriend were enjoying themselves so much.

Although I brought my camera, I wasn’t inclined to photograph anything. I never even took the cap off the lens.

I was hot and very close to getting a bit cranky with it all, when a few feet ahead of me I saw it . . .

The booth was smaller than the others, and instead of someone standing at the front trying to draw people in, an older Native American man sat quietly at the back, just watching the people.

All of the chaos around me, including the constant noise and chatter, simply disappeared. He had the most incredibly peaceful look on his face that I couldn’t help being drawn further in.

I wanted to see the stones and crystals. I want to touch them, to feel them. As my fingers reached out to a tiny medicine bag in curiosity, I wondered if everyone sensed this feeling here within the booth.

I looked around me and was almost surprised that nothing had changed. The hustle bustle of everyone talking loudly, crying babies, and people shoving through the crowd was still there.

I turned back to the booth and realized that Haley sensed it too. It was clear in the pure serenity glowing on her face. She had picked a simple pendent and handed it to the man.

He was cleansing and blessing it for her. The smell of the burning sage (I think?) was pleasant to me and felt very spiritual. She stood there almost reverently as she waited for him, very much in the moment.

I smiled . . .

I woke to the lonesome sound of the mourning dove
Drawn to the sight of her, resting on the branch
Cautiously watching the others all around her
Yet she remained there, separate and alone
Calling out for something . . .

Tears burned my eyes, but did not fall
Softly I whispered to her
I know little bird
I know . . .

The Voice of Hope . . .
The voice of hope still believes in fairy tales and happily ever after. It is often quickly smothered by the voice of reason, and ridiculed by the voice of darkness and doubt. But somehow, no matter what happens in life, this voice continues to survive.

Yeah, sometimes the light dims to barely a spark, but something keeps it alive, keeps it believing . . .

The Voice of Darkness and Doubt . . .
The voice of darkness and doubt often believes that it is the voice of reason, that it is simply knocking some sense into me, forcing me to accept reality. This voice takes great joy in reminding me that I will never be quite good enough . . .

Over the years I have gotten better at recognizing this voice, but it is a cunning voice that can disguise itself in many ways.

The Voice of Reason . . .
This voice assures me that although I have made mistakes and taken many wrong turns in my life, right now, in this moment, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am neither good or bad, I’m just me.

Now and then, I find the darkest hours before dawn to be the most difficult. It took me a few moments to realize what woke me up, a few moments before I heard the wind howling, gusting at more than 50 mile per hour, branches scraping the side of the building.

It’s ironic that I love watching the power of the storm, yet at the same time find myself still craving the sound of a soothing voice, telling me it’s just a storm, assuring me it will soon pass.

Feeling silly about my apprehension, I walked out on the balcony, wanting to be brave, somehow needing to know if the storm was as bad as it sounded. Standing there in the darkness, listening and watching, I sensed an emptiness inside of me, the realization that there was absolutely no one I could reach out to, not one single person that I could call and say, I am afraid . . .

Maybe in these moments we find the strength to depend on ourselves.

Once a very long time ago, a lifetime ago, I wandered into a huge corn field. I am not sure what I was looking for, but I found myself walking deeper and deeper into the field, without conscience thought.

It wasn’t long before I found myself completely lost, disoriented, and afraid in the middle of the field. The sun was going down. Darkness was nearly upon me. I couldn’t see over the rows. There was no sense of beginning or end. I was certain that I would never find my way out. 

At the very moment that I felt myself nearly overwhelmed with panic, I realized how foolish I was being. All I needed to do was walk straight ahead. The rows of corn stalks would guide me out.

I had no clue if it was going to take me a few minutes or a few hours, but it wasn’t important anymore. Eventually, in the full moon, I would be able to see clearly again, or at least enough to know where I was, enough to find my way back, back to where I belonged.

Over time, I finally came to find comfort in those fields.

When I needed peace, when I needed to belong, I searched for the fields. It did not matter if they were wide open fields of golden wheat, or fields filled with rolling hills of wildflowers. They all brought me tranquility, a secret moment of joy that I could claim as my very own.

Most of all, I dreamed of losing myself in the middle of a field of Texas Bluebonnets, perhaps because they represented home to me, the place where I was so very sure I could return to. Maybe I wanted to believe in fairy tales again. I don’t honestly know.

Then once again, the darkness found me . . .

Again, I found myself completely lost, disoriented, and afraid in the middle of the field. Confusion overwhelmed because I knew in my heart that I had already overcome this moment. 

Why then was I so very lost?

I have since come to realize that the field is somewhere inside me. The bluebonnets are every time my kid smiles at me, or I hear her laughter.

It’s up to me to find that peace within me, no matter where I am. 

That does not mean that I don’t hope to someday be able to live in the country again, because I do. I still dream of a little place somewhere up in the Hill Country with wide open fields, fields with no dark corners.

But to find joy, I need look no further than the silly antics of the child that has spent far too much time in drama class this last semester.

I only have to look at the child that has learned not only to tolerate the camera, but who has learned to love it, to ham it up and love life.

Why? Because when I look at the pure and natural beauty of her, I can be so very proud to know that I had a part in who she is today . . .

Who she is inside . . .

A blessing in my life .

I love you Haley Britton Walker, and I am so very proud to be your mama. You are so stunningly beautiful, inside and out.

Thank you for being my kid, for being who you are . . .

 
Some days I am blessed to find beauty hiding in the shadows right off my balcony. Other days I choose to search it out, which usually includes a drive out to the country.

Today was no exception. My plan was to focus on the beauty of the cacti in bloom up in the Hill Country.

 
And I certainly wasn’t disappointed. The colors were so incredibly vivid that it seemed as if every bloom had been painted by hand.

And then I got distracted . . .

 
Oh goodness, what a beautiful distraction. This little guy was a bit camera shy, but the moment was absolutely priceless. Do you notice his mama back there making sure he is staying out of trouble?

 
Now back to my cactus blooming! A bee decided to join in on the fun and do a little pollinating . I didn’t want to get too much closer.

And then I got distracted . . .

 
“Yeah, I am a weirdo! And, your point is?”

 
Now back to my bloom dang it! Wow! He is a bit of a messy pollinator isn’t he? At least I have found the source of Haley’s sneezing all afternoon! Pollen is everywhere you look!

And then I got distracted . . .

 
Ruh roh . . .  I think the kid is about to get soaked!

And, yup I am still distracted . . .

Ooops! The rocks get a bit slippery when they are wet!

Hmmmm . . .

Maybe sometimes distractions aren’t such a bad thing!

Are we so hung up on knowing exactly what it is on the other side of the bridge that we fail to take a single step? Have we forgotten to simply enjoy the crossing? To marvel at the view from the bridge?
 

Do we need to know what is just beyond the shadows around the next curve? Does our fear keep us from our destination?
 

Are we so focused on the scene directly in front of us that we cease to see the beauty across the river, tickling the very edge of our sight?
 

When we allow the world to go very still around us, close our eyes and feel the gentle breeze, perhaps that is when we are able to hear the voice within us, the voice giving us the sense of peace we all crave.
 

People often ask me if Haley ever gets sick of the camera.

Yup! Every now and then, she has no interest in it at all. On days like these, I am lucky if I get a shot of her throwing away garbage.
 

Thankfully my favorite funky duck is around to model for me! Just try and say that 3 times in a row. C’mon, I double dog dare ya!
 

Today I had a special model (my grandson, Alaki) who had no qualms about sitting around happily eating leaves while I clicked away.
 

And then this gorgeous river rat (Nutria) decided to distract me by showing up and flirting with me. What a charming rat! He reminds 
me a bit of a cowboy or two I have known in my life. (evil grin)
 

Ruh roh! Haley? Dang girl! You better be careful here cuz your niece (my granddaughter Triniti) looks like model material here. Lordy, this girl is a natural in front of the camera. Haley? Haley? You there???
 

Oh lordy! I don’t think this is Haley either! This adorable river rat is definitely trying to get my attention now. What a cutie huh? 
 

I can’t decide if my granddaughter McKenzi is squinting because of the sun or if she is growling at me, but she loves the camera!
 

Yeah, I realize this is not a duck, but he caught my attention anyway!
 

Oh goodness! Alaki is closing in for a kiss from his mama . . .
 

SIKE! At the last second he dodges away from the kiss and laughs!
 

I really have to do something about this duck addiction of mine.
 

And my addiction for converting pics to black and white . . .
 

I will join Ducks Anonymous tomorrow. Right after one more duck!
 

Sheesh! Even my river rat is giving up on me . . .

Some people visit Landa Park in New Braunfels to feed the ducks. Others go there to feed their tummies. I go there to feed my soul.

There is something so incredibly refreshing about spring. It is almost as if the world around us  is waking up again after a very long winter. 

I have a thing about the natural beauty of wildflowers. Even with all their little imperfections, they never fail to take my breath away.

I was so caught up watching this hawk, that I almost forgot to take his picture. He seemed a bit mad at me for interrupting his hunting.

Squirrels have a way of capturing my attention for long periods of time. They are so dang cute that you can’t help but smile at their antics.

Oh! I almost forgot! He mentioned that if I intended to talk about him on my blog today, that I should make it clear that he is a boy squirrel. 

But, you knew that already, didn’t you?

When the kid looks at me like this, refusing her anything is very difficult for me. Okay, it’s almost impossible.

She was asking me to take her and a friend to downtown San Antonio.

So guess where we headed?

Ya think she has me wrapped around her little finger?

We had to make a quick stop on the way so I could grab a couple of pictures of the graffiti all the way down a long freight train.

Almost every boxcar has been tagged. Yeah, I know graffiti is really considered destruction of property, as it should be. But dang, some of these kids are incredible artists. It really adds character!

Maybe they should pay them to do some murals on them!

This photo does not do this mural justice. When you are standing there it is almost lifelike. Absolutely incredible.

Of course the girls had to make a quick stop at a downtown park so they could  goof off for a bit and flirt with the boys.

Street musicians always catch my attention and they certainly add to the ambiance of el mercado. Simply incredible.

I don’t even know what this instrument is called, but I was blown away by the soothing music coming out of it. So very talented!

This area of multiple waterfalls is one of San Antonio’s best kept secrets. I don’t know how many times I passed this area over the years, never realizing it was down there. Stunning!

I am still fascinated by a pigeon landing right next to me, no matter how many thousands of them have taken over the downtown areas. Their eyes are soooo mesmerizing!

It’s not the country, but I still had fun!

I was so certain that I didn’t have a destination in mind, but my heart seemed to know exactly where I was headed, back to the lake, back to where life made more sense to me, so many years ago.

Nope, you can never go back. I don’t think I was looking for that.

I just wanted to find the cliff, high above the lake, where I used to sit and unwind after a long week, a place where I could find my thoughts. Now and then, I think I even shed a few tears of frustration there. I used to believe that spot must be about as close to God as a person could possibly be.

Today, I stood there, at the highest point, just staring at the lake for a few minutes, once again, totally stunned by the pure beauty of the scene. I closed my eyes, raised my face to the sun, and felt the soft cool breeze through my hair, as the world went silent around me.

And then I smiled.

It was if someone had reached down and handed me a gift, allowing me, for right now, to live in the moment . . .

Every once in a while, I let Haley use my camera. It doesn’t happen often, because she has a nasty habit of turning it towards me!

It was soooooo windy. My hair just wouldn’t stay out of my face.

I was leaning on this map of the park and Haley was
trying to get me to smile. I was trying soooooo hard
not to crack up laughing. (The kid is nuts!)

What the heck? Yeah, her jokes (trying to get me to
smile) were getting pretty corny!

And then I lost it, totally busted out laughing, but my
eyes still have that “what the heck” look . . .

I have no idea what this scowl was all about, except maybe I just don’t like being in front of the camera. (smiles)

The kid caught every possible funky face all in one afternoon!

P.S. The sun was very bright, so I was doing a lot of squinting.

You know dang well that I was not gonna let this day pass without grabbing a picture of the kid right? Especially when she had this incredible emo look going on!

I love this shot of the kid. Way too cute!

25 things outside of my friends and family that bring me joy . . .

Long hot bubble baths
Rocky road ice cream
The GEICO Gecko (adorable)
Sitting at the edge of the river
Reading stories with happy endings
The taste of ice tea on a hot day
Photographing the world around me
Slow dancing
Kicking butt at air hockey
Life in the country
The smell of Eternity perfume
Watching the sun rise
The wind in my hair
Singing in the shower
Laughing at silly jokes
Watching puppies play
The smell of burgers on the grill
Long walks holding hands
Monkeys at the zoo
Playing in the rain
Writing from my heart
Strawberry cheesecake
Fields filled with wild flowers
Getting lost in music
A good cup of coffee

There’s always gonna be another mountain. I’m always gonna want to make it move. Always going to be an up-hill battle. Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose. Ain’t about how fast I get there. Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side. It’s the climb (Miley Cyrus Video)

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna want to make it move

Always going to be an up-hill battle,
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

Sometimes you can escape the city, or at least feel as though you have, by taking time out to visit your local zoo. Our zoo here in San Antonio, Texas is surrounded by a peaceful park, and is one of my favorite afternoon getaways.

My favorite animal of all, is the tiger. Such a purdy kitty.

I have no clue what kind of duck this is, but the colors are stunning.

This adorable grizzly bear definitely needs a pedicure after his bath!

I have been trying to capture a picture of a male cardinal for nearly 2 years. I can always get a shot of a female, but this is the first male.

Now this kangaroo has life figured out. Lay back, enjoy the sun, relax, and just take life as it comes, one moment at a time.

Either this parrot is mute, or he just didn’t like me, because he sure never bothered uttering so much as a peep. He just glared at me.

Many years ago I read a book called “Rhinoceros Success” by Scott Alexander, and I have been fascinated by rhinos every since. If you haven’t read this book yet, I highly recommend it.

This poor guy looks like he would rather be anywhere else but here.

Of course no trip to the zoo is complete without visiting the monkeys. Oh wait, this is Haley climbing around, huh? (grin)

When the world has gone crazy, I can always count on my kid to make me smile again, to help me understand what matters in life.

Excuse Me???????? (She got this look from her mama)

I have no idea what she is fixin to do with that soccer ball.

I close my eyes when she skates.

Awww… there is my sweet kid. Is she playing with her shadow??