Moments Not Captured

Dedicated to Haley, Zack and Korey…

It has taken me more than a week to find the words to write this story.

It’s the story of 19 hours of courage, faith and love leading to the birth of my grandson, Korey Evander-Ray Wilkes.

The story of 19 hours that I failed to capture a single photograph with my camera…

From the moment the water broke, things headed downhill in a hurry.

With every pain you felt, my heart was breaking.

Why were your numbers going so high on the monitors, while his went so low?

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

[There should be a picture here]

My camera sat on the shelf without me picking it up even one time during these hours. It wasn’t because I knew that you would have kicked my tush for taking pictures of you during labor. It just simply never crossed my mind.

I began a love/hate relationship with the anesthesiologist.

I loved the way his soothing voice calmed you. I loved knowing that in a few minutes you would begin to feel some relief. But when I saw him inserting the needle, even as the contractions continued, I hated him.

[There should be a picture here]

There are no pictures of the hours of you pushing so long and so hard that your face turned purple and small blood vessels began to burst in your eyes. Nearly 3 hours of pushing had resulted in no progress.

I saw the terror in your eyes when the doctor and nurse began to argue if you needed a caesarian section or not.

[There should be a picture here]

I heard my own voice telling the doctor that I was not willing for them to put you through more. It was just too much. Another voice added that it was time, but still the doctor hesitated.

I could see nothing but your face filled with pain and exhaustion.

I wanted so badly to fix it for you.

Then I heard your voice quietly saying you were done.

In that moment, the look of defeat on your face brought me to my knees.

I looked to the heavens with tears in my eyes and wondered if God could hear my prayers or if I was just fooling myself.

With a sudden flurry of activity, you were being taken to surgery with Zack by your side. It was then that I realized the team had already been assembled and they were waiting for you. You had already long since been prepped for surgery.

[There should be a picture here]

Every minute turned to hours while I waited. The nurses refused to tell me anything beyond the fact that your child had been delivered. I think I cussed and cleaned your room 127 times while I waited for you to return. Still, I did not pick up the camera.

I had failed to capture a single moment so far.

The click of the hospital door made me jump so fast that I nearly slipped. They were pushing you (backwards) into your room. You looked up at me and said, “Look what I made mama!” The look of pure joy on your face was beyond priceless.

It was then that I saw him there in your arms.

The world stood still.

[There should be a picture here]

I looked to the heavens once again, and whispered, “thank you”.

It wasn’t until later that we learned that the moment you initially saw as defeat, was the moment that likely saved your son’s life. The cord had been wrapped around his neck 4 times, keeping him from moving further during your labor.

During the long days and nights in the hospital, I picked up my camera a time or two for a quick snapshot, but still, I did not feel like I had captured even a single moment. Perhaps it was that he was so tiny. Or maybe his struggle with jaundice was still worrying me. More likely though is that I was hung up on the miracle of his birth and how easily I could have lost either one of you.

Maybe the moments being captured digitally didn’t even matter because each and every one is burned forever into my memory and my heart.

More than a week after the birth of my grandson, Korey Evander-Ray Wilkes, I finally captured the moments I had been waiting for.

Young Family Love

 

Little Family

 

Thank you for allowing us to share these moments with you!

Cricket Walker

(18) Comments

  1. Valerie
    ValerieNov 15, 2011

    …a mothers love.

  2. Amy Sue
    Amy SueNov 15, 2011

    ((big hugs)) Beautifully written, with gorgeous photos of course. Your words brought back memories of Molly’s labor. The worry, helplessness, frustration… it killed me to see my baby struggling and not be able to help her. This whole parenting thing isn’t as easy as they said it would be, is it? 😉

  3. Colleen
    ColleenNov 15, 2011

    Very touching…

  4. Chris B
    Chris BNov 15, 2011

    You said “Maybe the moments being captured digitally didn’t even matter because each and every one is burned forever into my memory and my heart.” I agree, the images won’t be missed. Your expression of your memories brought tears to my eyes. Perfect! Wonderful!

    • Cricket Walker
      Cricket WalkerNov 19, 2011

      Thank you! And yes, when I close my eyes I can see and feel those moments.

  5. Ric
    RicNov 15, 2011

    As a proud father I well remember the 36hrs my wife
    was in labor with our first born, a beautiful boy now well over
    six feet 240 lbs. the stress was unbelieveable. The instructions
    from my wife was ” no cameras. period”

  6. Kay Green, Child Safety Mama
    Kay Green, Child Safety MamaNov 15, 2011

    WOW Grandma we never stop worrying about our children do we? And grandchildren just intensify all those feelings. Haley is blessed to have you in her life.

  7. Shichiro Yokomizo
    Shichiro YokomizoNov 16, 2011

    While you are blessed to have such a beautiful daughter and such an angelic grandchild, I can’t help but see how blessed they are to have such a loving, caring mother/grandmother in their lives.

  8. Charnell
    CharnellNov 19, 2011

    Cricket, everything you write always paints such a realistic picture. Always.

    I certainly know how you felt, having go through the same with my own daughter along with my own experiences (first born, his cord was wrapped around his neck, my youngest boy (the boy) nearly killed us both and was an emergency C-section).

    Haley is truly blessed to have such a wonderful Mother. So are we to have such a woman with a beautiful and strong heart, mind, and soul.

    Congratulations again to both you and your daughter. Can’t wait to see the spoiling begin…

  9. Inspired Ink
    Inspired InkDec 04, 2011

    Wow, Cricket, I’m glad I clicked the link and read this. What a beautifully written story! I am a mother, but not a grandmother … you’ve really opened my eyes and now I can see that the birth of a grandchild can be even more intense than the birth of child. To see your daughter going through that and not be able to help. I can just imagine the emotions. I am glad to hear it turned out well. Your daughter is beautiful, and your grandson is SUCH a cutie. I love his smile in the first photo. Thanks for sharing!

  10. Colbyt
    ColbytJan 26, 2012

    I don’t recall what it was about or why he said it. I do recall it pertained to pictures missed or keepsakes lost. Once when he was a very young boy my son said to me, “I really don’t need those, I have the memories right here in heart.”

    So, my friend, I leave you with those thoughts.

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