Cricket’s Thoughts

I have been wanting to visit the Bussey’s Flea Market in Schertz, (about a 15 minute drive from here) for quite some time now.

It was a conflicting desire for me. Although I knew I desperately wanted to explore all the treasures there, I also know I am not a fan of large, noisy crowds of people.

This time my desire to explore won the battle.

Initially, it was no surprise that I found myself a bit irritated when even parking was a major event, let alone actually making it to the area where all the booths are. The flea market itself is absolutely HUGE! We wandered aimlessly for a bit.

I bought some bath salts that caught my eye, but was still thinking that this place was way more trouble than it was worth.

I stayed and kept my thoughts to myself though, knowing it was not a huge sacrifice for me to make when Haley and her boyfriend were enjoying themselves so much.

Although I brought my camera, I wasn’t inclined to photograph anything. I never even took the cap off the lens.

I was hot and very close to getting a bit cranky with it all, when a few feet ahead of me I saw it . . .

The booth was smaller than the others, and instead of someone standing at the front trying to draw people in, an older Native American man sat quietly at the back, just watching the people.

All of the chaos around me, including the constant noise and chatter, simply disappeared. He had the most incredibly peaceful look on his face that I couldn’t help being drawn further in.

I wanted to see the stones and crystals. I want to touch them, to feel them. As my fingers reached out to a tiny medicine bag in curiosity, I wondered if everyone sensed this feeling here within the booth.

I looked around me and was almost surprised that nothing had changed. The hustle bustle of everyone talking loudly, crying babies, and people shoving through the crowd was still there.

I turned back to the booth and realized that Haley sensed it too. It was clear in the pure serenity glowing on her face. She had picked a simple pendent and handed it to the man.

He was cleansing and blessing it for her. The smell of the burning sage (I think?) was pleasant to me and felt very spiritual. She stood there almost reverently as she waited for him, very much in the moment.

I smiled . . .

Once a very long time ago, a lifetime ago, I wandered into a huge corn field. I am not sure what I was looking for, but I found myself walking deeper and deeper into the field, without conscience thought.

It wasn’t long before I found myself completely lost, disoriented, and afraid in the middle of the field. The sun was going down. Darkness was nearly upon me. I couldn’t see over the rows. There was no sense of beginning or end. I was certain that I would never find my way out.

At the very moment that I felt myself nearly overwhelmed with panic, I realized how foolish I was being. All I needed to do was walk straight ahead. The rows of corn stalks would guide me out.

I had no clue if it was going to take me a few minutes or a few hours, but it wasn’t important anymore. Eventually, in the full moon, I would be able to see clearly again, or at least enough to know where I was, enough to find my way back, back to where I belonged.

Over time, I finally came to find comfort in those fields.

When I needed peace, when I needed to belong, I searched for the fields. It did not matter if they were wide open fields of golden wheat, or fields filled with rolling hills of wildflowers. They all brought me tranquility, a secret moment of joy that I could claim as my very own.

Most of all, I dreamed of losing myself in the middle of a field of Texas Bluebonnets, perhaps because they represented home to me, the place where I was so very sure I could return to. Maybe I wanted to believe in fairy tales again. I don’t honestly know.

Then once again, the darkness found me . . .

Again, I found myself completely lost, disoriented, and afraid in the middle of the field. Confusion overwhelmed because I knew in my heart that I had already overcome this moment.

Why then was I so very lost?

I have since come to realize that the field is somewhere inside me. The bluebonnets are every time my kid smiles at me, or I hear her laughter.

It’s up to me to find that peace within me, no matter where I am.

That does not mean that I don’t hope to someday be able to live in the country again, because I do. I still dream of a little place somewhere up in the Hill Country with wide open fields, fields with no dark corners.

But to find joy, I need look no further than the silly antics of the child that has spent far too much time in drama class this last semester.

I only have to look at the child that has learned not only to tolerate the camera, but who has learned to love it, to ham it up and love life.

Why? Because when I look at the pure and natural beauty of her, I can be so very proud to know that I had a part in who she is today . . .

Who she is inside . . .

A blessing in my life .

I love you Haley Britton Walker, and I am so very proud to be your mama. You are so stunningly beautiful, inside and out.

Thank you for being my kid, for being who you are . . .

Are we so hung up on knowing exactly what it is on the other side of the bridge that we fail to take a single step? Have we forgotten to simply enjoy the crossing? To marvel at the view from the bridge?
 

Do we need to know what is just beyond the shadows around the next curve? Does our fear keep us from our destination?
 

Are we so focused on the scene directly in front of us that we cease to see the beauty across the river, tickling the very edge of our sight?
 

When we allow the world to go very still around us, close our eyes and feel the gentle breeze, perhaps that is when we are able to hear the voice within us, the voice giving us the sense of peace we all crave.
 

People often ask me if Haley ever gets sick of the camera.

Yup! Every now and then, she has no interest in it at all. On days like these, I am lucky if I get a shot of her throwing away garbage. 🙂
 

Thankfully my favorite funky duck is around to model for me! Just try and say that 3 times in a row. C’mon, I double dog dare ya!
 

Today I had a special model (my grandson, Alaki) who had no qualms about sitting around happily eating leaves while I clicked away.
 

And then this gorgeous river rat (Nutria) decided to distract me by showing up and flirting with me. What a charming rat! He reminds 
me a bit of a cowboy or two I have known in my life. (evil grin)
 

Ruh roh! Haley? Dang girl! You better be careful here cuz your niece (my granddaughter Triniti) looks like model material here. Lordy, this girl is a natural in front of the camera. Haley? Haley? You there???
 

Oh lordy! I don’t think this is Haley either! This adorable river rat is definitely trying to get my attention now. What a cutie huh? 
 

I can’t decide if my granddaughter McKenzi is squinting because of the sun or if she is growling at me, but she loves the camera! 🙂
 

Yeah, I realize this is not a duck, but he caught my attention anyway!
 

Oh goodness! Alaki is closing in for a kiss from his mama . . .
 

SIKE! At the last second he dodges away from the kiss and laughs!
 

I really have to do something about this duck addiction of mine.
 

And my addiction for converting pics to black and white . . .
 

I will join Ducks Anonymous tomorrow. Right after one more duck!
 

Sheesh! Even my river rat is giving up on me . . .

Some people visit Landa Park in New Braunfels to feed the ducks. Others go there to feed their tummies. I go there to feed my soul.

I was so certain that I didn’t have a destination in mind, but my heart seemed to know exactly where I was headed, back to the lake, back to where life made more sense to me, so many years ago.

Nope, you can never go back. I don’t think I was looking for that.

I just wanted to find the cliff, high above the lake, where I used to sit and unwind after a long week, a place where I could find my thoughts. Now and then, I think I even shed a few tears of frustration there. I used to believe that spot must be about as close to God as a person could possibly be.

Today, I stood there, at the highest point, just staring at the lake for a few minutes, once again, totally stunned by the pure beauty of the scene. I closed my eyes, raised my face to the sun, and felt the soft cool breeze through my hair, as the world went silent around me.

And then I smiled.

It was if someone had reached down and handed me a gift, allowing me, for right now, to live in the moment . . .